Dreams

Derya just decided to pick the book up. She didn’t look at it long, but it reminded me that this was how I was used to seeing Derya. A Happy and Sad memory!

There’s a movie called “What Dreams May Come.”  It stars Robin Williams and Annabelle Sciorra.  It’s a sad story of faith and love.  I remember the first time I saw the movie.  The tragic story involves the loss of the couples two kids and the horror connected with the mother Annabelle Sciorra then losing her husband in another tragic accident.  I know, it sounds depressing.  But in the end, it’s not really.  I don’t want to ruin it (even though the movie is twenty years old this year).  There’s a scene at the end that has perplexed me for nearly fifteen years and was only answered recently.

The scene is Annabelle – Annie, the wife of Robin Williams, Chris.  The Robin Williams character goes searching for Annie, his lost love.  He finds her in Hell.  If you stay in Hell long enough, you become part of it, so he’s on a time limit.  His guide, tells Chris (Robin Williams) to say his goodbyes to Annie (Annabelle Sciorra) and they (the guide and Chris) will leave together.  Chris (Robin Williams) goes into where Annie is at and starts to talk to her.  As he talks and she sits there in obvious pain, he makes his determination.  Finally, he says something like.  “I love you too much to leave you.  I won’t abandon you again.  If this is going to be your future, this will be our future together.”  In essence, he loves her too much to abandon her.  Make no mistake, he gave up Heaven.  A beautiful, happy place filled with joy.  His children were there, happy to see him and it was a gorgeous existence in Heaven.  He gave it all up for Her.

I wondered – still wondered – if faced with the same choice could I do the same.

I say I found the answer – of course not the complete answer.  I will say this.  My life has never been so hard as the last three and a half years have been. You travel through a special dark form of Hell when you watch, comfort and care for those loved ones who are suffering through this disease.  The pain doesn’t come from just the physical aspect of care, but through the mental anguish we suffer with them as they do what they do, say what they say and behave the way they behave  – none of it is something you want to remember although you can’t shake the memories.

Marcus Aurelius said you must practice for the bad times.  In essence, he wrote that once a week, go to bed hungry, sleeping on a cold hard floor, without the comfort and security of your loved ones.  Prepare for the bad times. In this way, when bad times do happen – because they will – you will be prepared!

These are those bad times that the late Emperor warned us about.   I wonder if he knew how bad it could really be, that there really is NO preparation for this type of lifestyle. I doubt he envisioned our existence.

And yet, there’s hope.
Again, not to give away the ending – at the movie’s conclusion.  Both characters are united in Heaven – their Heaven.  Chris’s sacrifice freed Annie and their love for each other freed themselves from their Hell.

In a way, we hope for the same.  Freeing Derya through our love and through the loving support of our doctors and caregivers. Those who have committed to her betterment.

We thank them and know they have a place in Heaven by the greats of medicine.  For the others (who shall not be named) – well, they have to live with themselves – their own personal Hell!

Oh yeah – I almost forgot: The answer- True love for your children is unconditional love.  The love you give without any requirement.  Love here on Earth is fleeting – if you let it be.  We MUST suffer through,  our love for Derya gives neither Samime nor myself any other option – EVER! And the same is true for Deniz.   We will go through this. – no matter what.

NO MATTER WHAT! 

It’s a truth that I am sure that many of you out there have had to experience – the hard way.  Tragedy knows no borders, boundaries, sex, race or other.

Peace and Blessings to all of you!

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